Fail Safe Compatibilty Test

There's this old tank top I still wear. How old? Not really sure. Let's put it this way; I've got pictures with it on, circa 1990, and it doesn't look brand new.

It started off jet black, and has faded to light black. It's got more holes in it than the streets of Boston after a snowy winter, when the asphalt has been mangled by plows. All the edges are frayed, and it's ripped halfway up the right side, held together by two big safety pins. And it's got a few bleach stains on it from who knows where. I love it.

I wear that shirt to the gym, to yoga, and out and about. It's not something I would wear on a first date, however. Or so I thought.

At yoga the other day, a striking woman walks by me and says, "I like your yoga mat". She had a good eye for style, because, in the generally austere world of yoga mats, this one was bitchin': it had a cork base, with seven colorful circles riding up the middle, demarking the chakras. "Thank you", I replied, and winked at her. She smiled. Not a bad way to start a class. Later, I saw her in the lobby of the yoga studio, checking out clothing. We started to chat, and I asked her out for coffee (told you I love yoga babes). She accepted.

Over coffee, she asked, with a smile, "Is there story behind that shirt you're wearin'?". It's worthy to note that my tank top had acquired even more distinction by being drenched in sweat. I told her about it, and she laughed. She dug it. We had a honey of a time.

That interaction got me thinking. I have a mile walk home from Westwood Village, which is where my gym and yoga studio are. I walk to and from The Village at least once a day. It's a beautiful jaunt, bordered by UCLA and it's botanical garden on one side and Sorority row on the other (flora over here, fauna over there). I get lots of ideas on these walks, sometimes sketching out entire writings in my head. 

It occurred to me that my infamous tank top has been more than just a trusty garment over the years; it's been a barometer for female compatibility. I thought back to all my girlfriends since I started wearing it (approximating of course, not knowing exactly how long I've had the thing). I realized that, without exception, there's a line that breaks like a perforated Saltine cracker; the women who have had issues with me wearing this ragged piece of clothing, and have proven to be incompatible, are on one side; the women who have dug this shirt, and have proven very compatible, are on the other.

This is not a matter of right or wrong, good or bad. It's a matter of sensibilities, attitudes, and a general approach to life. The women who don't like me wearing this shirt are of the opinion that it looks "tacky". The women who like it will say things like "I dig that shirt because it's so You". And therein lies the compatibility acid test. Compatibly is a complex phenomenon. Which is why it's so exciting to realize that a simple article of clothing can gauge it.

I feel great wearing this shirt. I wear it like I do all clothing; from the inside out. I'm comfortable, feel good, and believe I look great in it. If you're totally on board with that, it says that you're okay with me being me. With me wearing whatever I want. With me being comfortable in my own skin, with my own second skin, and expressing that to the world at large. If you like it, you place a high value on self expression. You don't care too much about what people think of me, or what people think of you being with a guy who would wear a tattered tank top that predates the millennium. This is just one way I express myself, but it translates well across the wide spectrum of self expression.

If you don't dig it, and in fact if you truly hate it, I'm not going to psychoanalyze you; but I am going to say that our sensibilities don't align. Our values don't match up. Our attitudes about self expression and letting it all hang out are quite different. That has been the case, every time.

Expanding my general thesis, I don't go for "preppy" women; their conservative nature, attitudes, and overall approach, along with their conventional lifestyles, are usually reflected in their clothing; and I'm at the other end of the universe. I'm most compatible with women who are unconventional, far from conservative, are wild at heart and wild in spirit, very artistic, with a certain unique flash. I go for women who love how they look in a pair of tight jean shorts, a bikini top, sparkly Chucky Taylor high tops, no make-up, and a baseball cap (with the ponytail pulled through the opening in the back - fuck, I love that look). If a woman feels sexy in that, I'm on board. It's not just skin deep (or clothing deep). You look sexy in that because you feel sexy in that. And if you feel sexy in it, you are sexy. To yourself, and to me. I pick up on that vibe and resonate with your energy. The same is true the other way around. I feel sexy in my battered tank top. If you can feel that, ride my energy with me, then we're on the same wavelength; were vibrating on a similar frequency. We gel. We ignite together.

I'm looking to explore this more, I'm just not sure when. That's all I got for now.

©2017 Clint Piatelli. MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

SuperFly's 11 (part 2)

To get up to speed, read SuperFly's 11 if you missed it.

In the "Nurture Vs. Nature" debate, I stand clearly on the side of "both". 

It's a Yin and Yang paradigm, just like almost everything. Case in point: I've lead an unconventional life (to say the least). Part of that is circumstance (nurture) and part of that is intrinsic to who I am (nature).

There are great benefits, and some heavy costs, to the life I've chosen, with the understanding that some it is a matter of life choosing me. Which is not to say I'm not 100% responsible for all of it. Taking the possibility of past lives off the table (because I'm undecided about my belief in that), life chose my early circumstances and environment. Life chose me from the get go to be blessed with access to money, education, a nice place to live, relatively high social status, and some fine comforts. When I became an adult, I chose what to do with all that.

Never having to worry about some of things many find a challenge, like food on the table, rent or mortgage payments, and shelter, I focused on developing my inner dimensions. I worked at  educating myself, at developing self awareness and personal growth; I played at living a life full of creativity, self-expression, and, truth be told, having a good fucking time.

But there are certain areas of my life where I have been unchallenged, and those areas are thus underdeveloped. My purpose and career have always been nebulous. I've doubted my inner strength, my resolve, my resiliency, my tenacity. There's been an over arching theme of intense self-doubt and lack of true self-love. I always felt I was "missing something", and didn't believe I had what it took to be successful, especially when it came to career and purpose. 

That is, until I got my ass into treatment. 

When Michelangelo was asked how he created the statue of David from a single block of marble, he replied, "David was already in there. I just had to remove what didn't belong". That's a great way to describe what I've been through over the last five months. Yes, I've gained massive amounts of new knowledge, learned new tools, gained understanding, had shifts and breakthroughs galore. and made exciting au courant inner connections. I've built myself up from the inside out. But, fundamentally, this has been a journey of stripping away what doesn't belong, letting go of that which no longer serves me, and discovering that all I need is already inside me. It is through that clearer lens that I now see myself. It is with that new sense of self that I now fly into my life.

It's both self-discovery and self-creation. I don't see the two as independent, mutually exclusive, or even separate. There is an alchemy to this process that at once allows me to discover, and create, a truer, wholer, higher version of Clint "SuperFly" Piatelli. That's the best way I can describe it right now.

In the first part of this post, SuperFly's 11, I wrote about picking apart, looking under the hood, of a scene from the movie Ocean's 11. The sene moved me, and I wanted to know what about it had touched something deep within. Then, in therapeutic sessions, I dug deeper and then applied what I had gleaned. This is a wonderful example of an axiom I have fully subscribed to since entering treatment: Use Every Experience As An Opportunity For Growth.

In the restaurant scene, Danny Ocean (George Clooney) surprises his ex-wife, Tess (Julia Roberts) who's sitting alone, waiting for her new husband. Danny is somewhat contrite (without actually apologizing), open, and direct. From jump street, Tess starts shooting sharp, poison arrows right into his heart. She's hostile, angry, bitter, quick witted, and deadly accurate. Ocean, however, has enough insight to realize that this behavior, paradoxically, is further proof that she still deeply cares about him. Tess knows how to hurt him, and goes straight for the jugular. Not that she doesn't have reason to. He lied to her. He abandoned her. He screwed her over, royal. And yet, there he is. In the belly of the beast. 

He loves her. And, despite what she is saying, he knows she still loves him. He knows this, in his bones, in his heart. He's wiling to lay all his cards on the table for it. And, if he's wrong, he'll eat his words like a man and move on. When her new husband finally enters the scene, Danny sees him kiss her hand, right in front of him. Ocean is standing in all that with a rock solid core and taking blow after blow to his ego, to his manhood, to his heart. He may be dying on the inside, but he doesn't break a sweat. Doesn't go down. Doesn't even flinch.

What I see and experience is a man boldly standing in the middle of his truth, with the balls, with the chutzpah, with the self-assurance to take himself right into the lion's den. I see a man coming from his heart, opening himself up in the most vulnerable way possible. He integrates his vulnerability with his powerful sense of self and inner strength. He embodies, he is living from, the wisdom that his open heart is his one of his great sources of personal power. That is a paraphrase of the tag line for this website, "The Most Powerful Heart Is An Open One". 

When I strip away that which doesn't belong to me, the unnecessary stone from the marble statue, I am that man. When I integrate all those parts of me that were once disharmonious, my true light shines strong and bright from within and illuminates the whole of my life. When I answer life's call and risk laying it all on the line and detach from the outcome, I live a fuller, more enlightened existence. When I courageously stand in the whole of my truth and take that into my life at full throttle, I'm living the life that I designed. A life in harmony with what's happening within me. There is congruence between my inner and external worlds. 

For this discussion, let's take the fact that Ocean is a thief off the table. As we get to know Clooney's character throughout the movie, I see that Danny Ocean is highly intelligent, gutsy, courageous, creative, self-assured, bold, and has a huge heart. He's respected, admired, and loved. He's a trail blazer, a maverick, a leader. He's A Universe Denter.

Sounds a lot like someone I've just gotten to know.

©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

Riding Your Lover's Edge (part 2)

In the sexual experience known as Tie & Tease (see my most recent post Riding Your Lover's Edge if you missed it, so you know what the hell I'm talking about), the bottom is not merely a passive participant. The bottom has to fully present, engaged, and expressive. If not, it becomes very difficult for your lover to know how close you are to orgasm. And that derails the whole train. Even if the bottom is gagged, if they are present and expressive, the top will be given plenty of tells as to when they are getting close to coming, and thus be in a position to deny orgasm. This whole shabang needs both of you to Bring It. Even if you're tied up so well you can hardly move. 

As a top, find your sinister side and play it out. Live it out. Fully. Show your lover your mean streak. Come up with new ways to sexually manipulate them. Know what words, phrases, attitudes, and actions drive your partner to the absolute edge of sexual and physiological frustrated euphoria. Laugh when they cry. Taunt them with phrases of control, dominance, and power. You can even script something out with your partner before hand, and make it like a play (or even a movie). You both get to create your own little world that only makes sense to the two of you.

Many of us have a sadistic side, usually buried deep; or least a part of us that would love to fully control another person. On the flip side, we also have a piece of us that wants to let go and completely turn the wheel over to someone else. The psychological jargon for those parts of us are sometimes referred to "Sub-Personalities". And, if you take the necessary steps to make this a mutually safe place, it's not only a rush to play with those Sub-Personalities, it's therapeutic. Whenever we give ourselves permission to explore the parts of ourselves we usually keep at bay, or hidden, we make progress in freeing ourselves. We promote healing. We create inner space.

Again, there are similarities to meditation. There's a meditative practice where, instead of denying these "darker" parts of us, we go into them. We engage them. We give them a voice, and allow them to express themselves. We get to know what they're about by developing a more fruitful relationship with them, because, after all, like it or not, they are a part of us. If we then create a safe place to act them out, like during Tie & Tease, we expand our understanding of ourselves. We take a small step towards wholeness. You'll hear actors say this stuff about their craft and why they love it. It often helps them process their emotions and gain self-wisdom.

I love the technique of edging and Tie & Tease because it's a truly loving practice, even though, let's face it, it involves a fair amount of sexual cruelty. But it's not malicious cruelty. I've been driven to tears of frustration as a bottom; and as a top, I've driven her to tears as well; tears of frustration during denial, and tears of joy upon release. Let me tell you, they are some of the best tears you will ever cry.

After the bomb explodes, you both bask in the aftershock The pillow talk that happens afterward can be some of the most precious and intimate discussions you and your partner may ever have. When you both come out of the dominance/submission paradigm, there is a heightened sense of closeness and vulnerability. There's a palpable and powerful experience of love, connection, and peace as you hold one another, love each other up, and settle into this tranquil, mutually created space. This is just one way to manifest mutually intimate and sacred space, unique to just the two of you; space that only you two know how to get to. It can be a microcosm of the whole relationship itself; A Special Place Just For The Two of You. A Special Place that only the two of you know how to find. A Special Place where nothing in the world matters except what you lovingly create together. That is truly beautiful. 

Tie & Tease, and mindful love making in general, promotes so much of what makes a relationship work. Communication. Attention. Care. Intimacy. Love. Connection. Passion. Putting your partner first when that's what the relationship needs. Flex your creative muscles. Create characters, use props, do whatever you want.

There's an expression I learned from a very wise therapist at Sierra Tucson: "When you love, give of your overflow, not of your essence". In this case, however, for a short period of time, it's okay to you give your essence. You'll get it back. Just for this, though, if you're bottoming, let your lover Have It All. And if you're topping, just let your lover......Have It.

This isn't everyone's cup of tea. If you're curious about it, however, don't jump into the deep end right away. Start off with a discussion, and put the ropes and chains aside for a while. Get to know your lover's edge, play with it, then reverse top/bottom roles. Eventually, if this is your jam, you'll intensify the situation, organically, if that's where you both want to take it. It's an acquired taste for many, so give yourselves the bedroom time, and savor the deliciousness of this edge.

And we were told it isn't safe to play with knives.....

©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.