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    Wednesday
    Jul262017

    SuperFly's 11 (part 2)

    To get up to speed, read SuperFly's 11 if you missed it.

    In the "Nurture Vs. Nature" debate, I stand clearly on the side of "both". 

    It's a Yin and Yang paradigm, just like almost everything. Case in point: I've lead an unconventional life (to say the least). Part of that is circumstance (nurture) and part of that is intrinsic to who I am (nature).

    There are great benefits, and some heavy costs, to the life I've chosen, with the understanding that some it is a matter of life choosing me. Which is not to say I'm not 100% responsible for all of it. Taking the possibility of past lives off the table (because I'm undecided about my belief in that), life chose my early circumstances and environment. Life chose me from the get go to be blessed with access to money, education, a nice place to live, relatively high social status, and some fine comforts. When I became an adult, I chose what to do with all that.

    Never having to worry about some of things many find a challenge, like food on the table, rent or mortgage payments, and shelter, I focused on developing my inner dimensions. I worked at  educating myself, at developing self awareness and personal growth; I played at living a life full of creativity, self-expression, and, truth be told, having a good fucking time.

    But there are certain areas of my life where I have been unchallenged, and those areas are thus underdeveloped. My purpose and career have always been nebulous. I've doubted my inner strength, my resolve, my resiliency, my tenacity. There's been an over arching theme of intense self-doubt and lack of true self-love. I always felt I was "missing something", and didn't believe I had what it took to be successful, especially when it came to career and purpose. 

    That is, until I got my ass into treatment. 

    When Michelangelo was asked how he created the statue of David from a single block of marble, he replied, "David was already in there. I just had to remove what didn't belong". That's a great way to describe what I've been through over the last five months. Yes, I've gained massive amounts of new knowledge, learned new tools, gained understanding, had shifts and breakthroughs galore. and made exciting au courant inner connections. I've built myself up from the inside out. But, fundamentally, this has been a journey of stripping away what doesn't belong, letting go of that which no longer serves me, and discovering that all I need is already inside me. It is through that clearer lens that I now see myself. It is with that new sense of self that I now fly into my life.

    It's both self-discovery and self-creation. I don't see the two as independent, mutually exclusive, or even separate. There is an alchemy to this process that at once allows me to discover, and create, a truer, wholer, higher version of Clint "SuperFly" Piatelli. That's the best way I can describe it right now.

    In the first part of this post, SuperFly's 11, I wrote about picking apart, looking under the hood, of a scene from the movie Ocean's 11. The sene moved me, and I wanted to know what about it had touched something deep within. Then, in therapeutic sessions, I dug deeper and then applied what I had gleaned. This is a wonderful example of an axiom I have fully subscribed to since entering treatment: Use Every Experience As An Opportunity For Growth.

    In the restaurant scene, Danny Ocean (George Clooney) surprises his ex-wife, Tess (Julia Roberts) who's sitting alone, waiting for her new husband. Danny is somewhat contrite (without actually apologizing), open, and direct. From jump street, Tess starts shooting sharp, poison arrows right into his heart. She's hostile, angry, bitter, quick witted, and deadly accurate. Ocean, however, has enough insight to realize that this behavior, paradoxically, is further proof that she still deeply cares about him. Tess knows how to hurt him, and goes straight for the jugular. Not that she doesn't have reason to. He lied to her. He abandoned her. He screwed her over, royal. And yet, there he is. In the belly of the beast. 

    He loves her. And, despite what she is saying, he knows she still loves him. He knows this, in his bones, in his heart. He's wiling to lay all his cards on the table for it. And, if he's wrong, he'll eat his words like a man and move on. When her new husband finally enters the scene, Danny sees him kiss her hand, right in front of him. Ocean is standing in all that with a rock solid core and taking blow after blow to his ego, to his manhood, to his heart. He may be dying on the inside, but he doesn't break a sweat. Doesn't go down. Doesn't even flinch.

    What I see and experience is a man boldly standing in the middle of his truth, with the balls, with the chutzpah, with the self-assurance to take himself right into the lion's den. I see a man coming from his heart, opening himself up in the most vulnerable way possible. He integrates his vulnerability with his powerful sense of self and inner strength. He embodies, he is living from, the wisdom that his open heart is his one of his great sources of personal power. That is a paraphrase of the tag line for this website, "The Most Powerful Heart Is An Open One". 

    When I strip away that which doesn't belong to me, the unnecessary stone from the marble statue, I am that man. When I integrate all those parts of me that were once disharmonious, my true light shines strong and bright from within and illuminates the whole of my life. When I answer life's call and risk laying it all on the line and detach from the outcome, I live a fuller, more enlightened existence. When I courageously stand in the whole of my truth and take that into my life at full throttle, I'm living the life that I designed. A life in harmony with what's happening within me. There is congruence between my inner and external worlds. 

    For this discussion, let's take the fact that Ocean is a thief off the table. As we get to know Clooney's character throughout the movie, I see that Danny Ocean is highly intelligent, gutsy, courageous, creative, self-assured, bold, and has a huge heart. He's respected, admired, and loved. He's a trail blazer, a maverick, a leader. He's A Universe Denter.

    Sounds a lot like someone I've just gotten to know.

     

    ©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

    Monday
    Jul242017

    Riding Your Lover's Edge (part 2)

    In the sexual experience known as Tie & Tease (see my most recent post Riding Your Lover's Edge if you missed it, so you know what the hell I'm talking about), the bottom is not merely a passive participant. The bottom has to fully present, engaged, and expressive. If not, it becomes very difficult for your lover to know how close you are to orgasm. And that derails the whole train. Even if the bottom is gagged, if they are present and expressive, the top will be given plenty of tells as to when they are getting close to coming, and thus be in a position to deny orgasm. This whole shabang needs both of you to Bring It. Even if you're tied up so well you can hardly move. 

    As a top, find your sinister side and play it out. Live it out. Fully. Show your lover your mean streak. Come up with new ways to sexually manipulate them. Know what words, phrases, attitudes, and actions drive your partner to the absolute edge of sexual and physiological frustrated euphoria. Laugh when they cry. Taunt them with phrases of control, dominance, and power. You can even script something out with your partner before hand, and make it like a play (or even a movie). You both get to create your own little world that only makes sense to the two of you.

    Many of us have a sadistic side, usually buried deep; or least a part of us that would love to fully control another person. On the flip side, we also have a piece of us that wants to let go and completely turn the wheel over to someone else. The psychological jargon for those parts of us are sometimes referred to "Sub-Personalities". And, if you take the necessary steps to make this a mutually safe place, it's not only a rush to play with those Sub-Personalities, it's therapeutic. Whenever we give ourselves permission to explore the parts of ourselves we usually keep at bay, or hidden, we make progress in freeing ourselves. We promote healing. We create inner space.

    Again, there are similarities to meditation. There's a meditative practice where, instead of denying these "darker" parts of us, we go into them. We engage them. We give them a voice, and allow them to express themselves. We get to know what they're about by developing a more fruitful relationship with them, because, after all, like it or not, they are a part of us. If we then create a safe place to act them out, like during Tie & Tease, we expand our understanding of ourselves. We take a small step towards wholeness. You'll hear actors say this stuff about their craft and why they love it. It often helps them process their emotions and gain self-wisdom.

    I love the technique of edging and Tie & Tease because it's a truly loving practice, even though, let's face it, it involves a fair amount of sexual cruelty. But it's not malicious cruelty. I've been driven to tears of frustration as a bottom; and as a top, I've driven her to tears as well; tears of frustration during denial, and tears of joy upon release. Let me tell you, they are some of the best tears you will ever cry.

    After the bomb explodes, you both bask in the aftershock The pillow talk that happens afterward can be some of the most precious and intimate discussions you and your partner may ever have. When you both come out of the dominance/submission paradigm, there is a heightened sense of closeness and vulnerability. There's a palpable and powerful experience of love, connection, and peace as you hold one another, love each other up, and settle into this tranquil, mutually created space. This is just one way to manifest mutually intimate and sacred space, unique to just the two of you; space that only you two know how to get to. It can be a microcosm of the whole relationship itself; A Special Place Just For The Two of You. A Special Place that only the two of you know how to find. A Special Place where nothing in the world matters except what you lovingly create together. That is truly beautiful. 

    Tie & Tease, and mindful love making in general, promotes so much of what makes a relationship work. Communication. Attention. Care. Intimacy. Love. Connection. Passion. Putting your partner first when that's what the relationship needs. Flex your creative muscles. Create characters, use props, do whatever you want.

    There's an expression I learned from a very wise therapist at Sierra Tucson: "When you love, give of your overflow, not of your essence". In this case, however, for a short period of time, it's okay to you give your essence. You'll get it back. Just for this, though, if you're bottoming, let your lover Have It All. And if you're topping, just let your lover......Have It.

    This isn't everyone's cup of tea. If you're curious about it, however, don't jump into the deep end right away. Start off with a discussion, and put the ropes and chains aside for a while. Get to know your lover's edge, play with it, then reverse top/bottom roles. Eventually, if this is your jam, you'll intensify the situation, organically, if that's where you both want to take it. It's an acquired taste for many, so give yourselves the bedroom time, and savor the deliciousness of this edge.

    And we were told it isn't safe to play with knives.....

     

    ©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

    Friday
    Jul212017

    Riding Your Lover's Edge

    There's a sexual technique known as "Edging" (also known as "Surfing"). Edging involves maintaining a very high state of sexual arousal for an extended period of time without achieving orgasm. You get close to coming, but don't, and you stay there, as long as you can. Or as long as you can't. When you willingly and consensually give control of your orgasm to your partner, it ain't up to you. Which brings me to the most heart popping way to experience edging. 

    Known as "Tie and Tease", the practice involves one partner being bound and relinquishing control of their orgasm to their lover. In this form of erotic denial, the partner in control (the "top") carefully manipulates speed, pressure, and intensity to keep their helpless lover (the "bottom") deliciously close to orgasm for a long period of time. When the bottom is just about to climax, the top reduces the level of stimulation just enough (or just plain stops,) at just the right moment, to deny orgasm. If this process is repeated, over and over again, the bottom experiences an overwhelming urge to come. When, finally, the top allows their partner their sweet release, it is far more intense and pleasurable than a "normal" climax (if any climax can ever be described as such). It is in fact, an explosion. I call it The Hydrogen Bomb of Orgasms.

    From experience, I can tell you, with complete confidence, that this is one steamy, hot as fuck way to make love. It's both physically and psychologically extremely intense. The strong level of sexual frustration in being denied orgasm is exponentially intensified by the helplessness of being bound. Coming is, from a human mechanics standpoint, a process of tension and release. Well, like any physical system, the more tension you create, the more powerful the release. And there is no better way I know of to create near unbearable tension than Tie and Tease. 

    For the lover being denied orgasm, this technique can induce a near euphoric state, also known as "Flying". And it can even alter one's perceived consciousness; in a way, like meditation. Tie & Tease with extended erotic denial is thus sexual mediation. Good Gravy. What a beautifully powerful combination. 

    Mind-blowing-conscious-altering-orgasm aside, the truly wonderful perk of this sexual play is that it builds intimacy, trust, love, and connection. The ability to get your lover that close to orgasm, and knowing exactly when to deny it, takes practice. It takes time. It takes focus and attention. It takes communication. It takes care and love. You have to get to know your partner extremely well. You have to be able to read them. You have to be fully engaged and present. Call it Fully Mindful Sex. 

    The benefits of this practice start long before the actual act. Because it's important to discus this scenario first. This often takes couples out of their comfort zone, which is where growth usually happens. Even if it doesn't take a couple out of their comfort zone, talking about what happens in the bedroom fosters communication and intimacy. And it also builds anticipation. And anticipation is a potent aphrodisiac. 

    Speaking of anticipation, if I've wetted your appetite for more, join me for part two. And maybe pass this post onto your lover if you want to try it. Send them a link to this post to wet their appetite. And maybe even their underwear. If they wear any.

     

     

    ©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHear LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved. 

    Tuesday
    Jul182017

    SuperFly's Eleven

    There's a scene in the movie Ocean's Eleven where George Clooney's character, Danny Ocean, surprises (shocks, actually) his ex-wife Tess (played by Julia Roberts) at the restaurant in the very hotel he's scheming to rob blind. I remember when I first saw the movie, something about that scene hit me so hard between the eyes that it felt like my third chakra was having an orgasm. In the moment, I wasn't focusing on my inner experience; I was way too into what was happening on the screen. Later, I pulled it apart, as I usually do with such powerful episodes. My takeaway, in a nutshell; "What fuckin' balls".

    Back in late March of this year, that scene came up again during a therapy session. I've mentioned before that one of my challenges early in treatment was to more strongly identify with my adult man and integrate him with my inner boy. It wasn't that my adult self wasn't already there and underdeveloped; it was that he sometimes didn't show up when I needed him most. He needed some serious coaching in that, and other things.

    I needed work on converging my exuberant, vibrant, sensitive boy with my powerful, wise-minded, more emotionally mature man. All too often, I literally experienced these two parts of me as separate people. And these two didn't know how to relate to each other very well. They loved each other very much, but didn't know how to communicate. Think of a father and young son relationship where the two have difficulty talking, sharing, and getting each other. The father is responsible for that kid, so he's gotta man up and learn how to show the boy that he loves him, will protect him under any circumstances, and allow the kid to express himself, in all his childlike glory.

    Simply put, I had to grow up. And I had to grow up without losing the boy. My fear has long been that if I really "grew up", I would lose the boy in me. And this fear is not an imagined one. You see it all the time. Men, as they mature, often lose their sense of play, their sense of awe and wonder, their curiosity, their ability to let it all hang out, their passion, their imagination, their joy for life. They become overly serious, less expressive, more stoic, more distant. They lose that Je ne sais quoi that was alive and well when they were kids. 

    I consciously never wanted that to happen to me. Ever. At any cost. Partly because I so identified with the boy, loved him with all my heart, and let him run so free within my life (in this context, the tag line is "In Healthy Ways"). I picture this metaphorically as a huge field, bordered by a forest, where a little boy is running and playing with wild abandon. He's insatiably curious about all the flowers and fauna he encounters. He's climbing the trees, and examining their leaves and bark and limbs like he's looking at them for the first time. He's building a tree house. He's exploring, and genuinely wowed by the experiences he's having. He's playing, pretending, creating, on the fly. Well I never wanted to cage that boy. I never wanted to put him in a playpen, no matter how big they playpen was. I wanted that kid to advance the limits, test the waters, and actually open the envelope (not just push it).

    What I did need to learn is how to better parent that kid. And to do that, my man had to learn to communicate with him. To show his love, not just proclaim it. I've learned to bring that man into my life, integrate him with the boy, and have them so seamlessly one that they no longer feel like two separate people in the same body. I couldn't function anymore feeling so splintered. I had to be the whole, unfragmented trunk of the tree, all the time. And, paradoxically, I had to integrate that on an unconscious level so that I could consciously access the man in times when he wanted to bolt. Times when I needed him most. It's a process, and I'm well into it by now.

    Circling back to Mr. Clooney, he represented, in that scene, many of the attributes that I admire, respect, and want to emulate. The scene itself is brilliant. From an artistic perspective, it's very well conceived, brilliantly written, and marvelously acted. But for me there's way more to it than that. I was reading between the lines, identifying the subtext, drawing out the unstated feelings, digging up the emotional content, getting inside the characters, and using that information to serve me. I was, in a word, "Repurposing" that scene so that it gave me something I wanted and needed. It was giving me a partial blueprint for the man I want to be, the man in parts I already am, and the man I am becoming.

    Join me for part two, where I get into all the gory details.

     

    ©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

    Sunday
    Jul162017

    I Invented Fire

    I don't write much non-fiction. When I do, it's usually something steamy. 

    I’ve invented a Brand New Literary Genre: “Auto-Biographical Unmanifested Erotic Non-Fiction”. This is a technical way of saying, “I will create this romantic experience someday”. 

    Actually, I’ve experienced parts of this story already. Just not all of it. Yet. But I will. 


    ©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. Al;l; rights reserved.