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          Change whirls all around me. It churns as a maelstrom of shifting relationships, potential opportunities, changes in my attitude and perspective, physical relocation choices, career options, upheaval of personal issues, and future plans with someone who could be my life partner. I have very little idea what my life will look like six months form now. But I know one thing for certain: it will be very different than it looks today.
          That idea excites me very much. And it scares the crap out of me. My tendency to polarize causes my emotional experience of this whirlwind to vacillate. Wildly. Sometimes I allow myself to get swept up in it like a piece of paper in a wind storm. Other times, I plant myself like a stone and bronze statue in the middle of it, refusing to acknowledge that things are moving all around me. Neither approach is terribly enjoyable. And neither approach is terribly effective at navigating this storm of change.
          Getting caught up in it like paper means I feel out of control and rudderless, without rhyme or reason to my life. Becoming a statue in the middle of it means I just resist everything, effectively saying “No” to life.
          I know I need to create a new paradigm for what feels like a tornado . Because, like it or not, I’m in it, even though sometimes I pretend I’m not. That’s another one of my great character flaws: avoidance.
          An acronym for FEAR is “Fuck Everything And Run”. I’m good at that. Another one is “Face Everything And Recover”. I’m good at that too. But the second option asks a lot more from me than the first. Running means just strapping on the old diversion suit and taking off. Facing myself takes courage and strength and a whole shit load of other stuff. It means experiencing pain and working through it. Ultimately, it means I have to change. It means I have to grow, It means I can’t just run and hope that everything will be okay. It means I have to do something. Lots of somethings, actually.
          Although the change is centered around a piece of property, it’s really about me and my need to grow. To get bigger. To divorce myself from a very sick, dysfunctional, crazy making, morally corrupt, financially lucrative but spiritually bankrupt system (sometimes called my “family”), so that I can create a life that’s completely mine. I see that. I feel that. But I can’t always come from that. My sadness and my anger sometimes get in the way. Those emotions can be opportunities for me to grow and heal and change. If I do the right thing with them. Which is feel them. Then appropriately channel or express them. Which is one big reason I’m writing about it today. Because writing helps. And because expressing how I feel helps.
          I have been reluctant to express how I feel about these changes because I’m scared of where I’ll go if I let the emotions out of the bottle. But keeping the emotions in the bottle fucks me up. Much worse than letting them out. Even if I let them out in a destructive way, and I have (more on that in another post), I at least have the opportunity to learn from that experience. As long as I keep it all inside, I become a giant pressure cooker. And what’s cooking are my insides; scorching my heart, my mind, my spirit.
          So like I did when my heart got shattered, I’m channeling some of my emotional energy into my blog. And hoping you’ll come with me. It’s one of the “somethings” I can do to help myself. And sometimes, I need a lot of help. Sometimes, we all do.

    © 2011 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and a Ziggy Stardust worth of Wrongs) Reserved.

    Reader Comments (2)

    I'm along for the ride. Let's go. And finally get on with it. That woman riding shotgun is going to help a ton. I say you take this next important trip in a hot car, with a hot chick, and your sparkley belt. Anything less would be out of character.

    August 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGlen

    Glen, wherever I may roam, knowing that you are with me fills my heart, buoys my spirit, and makes me smile. I can't do life alone. I need people like you with me. Any suggestions on the car? Love you my friend.

    August 23, 2011 | Registered CommenterClint Piatelli

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