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    The Warrior Lover

            The impetus for this website stemmed from a powerful desire to share what I was feeling. I had kept so much in for so long that I felt a tangible pressure pushing against me from the inside. Some force wanted to burn through me and into the world, like light through my pores. My whole body ached for release. I had teetered past that emotional equilibrium; that point where the pain of holding it in was greater than the fear of expressing it.
            It became clear to me that the way I was dealing with my feelings wasn’t working. I had to do it differently. But how?
            My options were many. I had kept a journal for over fifteen years. I was so shut down, however, that I rarely ever wrote in it anymore. When I started opening up last summer, I not so surprisingly started writing in my journal again. I went from writing virtually nothing for years to writing pages and pages every day. I emotionally exploded onto the page.
            Very few people had ever seen these most private outpourings. I could have kept it that way. But that wasn’t cutting it anymore. Some voice inside was telling me to share what I was writing. If I was going to listen to that voice, though, I wanted to know why. Why share? So I asked. And I listened.
            The voice that was telling me to share my writing was the same voice that was telling me to go after the woman who just broke up with me. I hadn’t gone after a girl since I was a teenager. What I mean is, if I expressed an interest in a woman and she didn’t respond, I didn’t spend much time pursuing her. I just moved on and found somebody else I liked.
            But this was different. My heart had opened up. I realized how much I cared about her, and I wasn’t just going to drop the ball. Especially given the circumstances and the emotions that surrounded the way she left me, which I won’t get into because that would be a disservice to her, even though she doesn’t care about me or read my blog. The bottom line was that I wanted her, and if I had any chance of getting her back, I  had to put myself out there. Way out there. I had to go after her.
            My creativity in overdrive, I came up with all sorts of imaginative ways to show her how much I loved her. First, I simply told her, in person, in emails, in letters. I sent flowers. While we were going out, despite my inner emotional turmoil, I had paid attention. I knew her. So I sent her a package that was all about her. I bought her a basket, and in the basket put things that I knew she liked. A bottle of her favorite champagne. Her brand of shampoo. A scented candle. Food, like chocolate, Nutella, and these organic pop tarts that I turned her onto. Toenail polish in a sexy shade of hot pink. A CD of a favorite band. A few magazines that she was into. Then I covered the contents with soft, fresh rose petals from a dozen red roses, and FedExed the package overnight so that when she opened the box, the rose petals would still be soft and smell sweet.
            I wrote her poems. I wrote her a song. I even created a video for that song using pictures and footage that I had of her. I bought her a few more creative, personal gifts. But I never sent her any of that. I never got the chance.
            My overtures didn’t work. She wasn’t coming back.
            If I had the chance to do it again, though, I wouldn’t change a thing. Because I knew that no matter what, I had to do this. I had to take this risk. I had to put myself out on a limb, because that’s where the fruit was. Even if she didn’t come back, what I would gain from laying it all on the line would be worth it. To risk my heart meant to come out of fear and into faith. Out of hiding, and into my truth. I loved her, and regardless of whether she loved me or not, regardless of if she even believed me, it was the truth. I was more sure of that than I had been of anything in an awful long time. So I had to go with it. I couldn’t worry about the results. I had to follow my heart.
            That voice that I talked about, the one that was telling me to share my writing; the one that told me to go after my ex-girlfriend; the one that if I listened to, I had to know why. Well I suddenly knew why; the course of my life had shifted. My future no longer lay in keeping my heart hidden. Whatever was in store for me was going to come out of opening myself up and sharing what was inside.
            The voice told me that from following my heart would come growth. Growth I needed. Even if that scared the crap out of me. Expressing how I felt about her was the stepping stone for sharing more of myself with the world. Whatever gifts I had, I wasn’t sharing enough of them, and I wasn’t sharing them with enough people. I was being stingy, because I was afraid.
            What better way to get over this fear than to share myself with....the world. A website. On the world wide web.
            And within the decision to start this blog, there also lay the seed of hope that maybe she would listen. Maybe she would see my true self. Maybe she would know that this is real for me, and not some ego driven game. I’m pouring my heart out. This is what I feel. This is who I am.
            A piece of what motivated me to blog was indeed the desire to win back my ex-girlfriend. How could it not be? She opened up my heart. I wanted to share it with her.
            Here I am, approaching my sixth month doing this. I’m happy to say that, even though she hasn’t paid any attention to me, I’m still writing. I’m still posting. I haven’t become cynical about love. I don’t dislike her, even though she’s repeatedly hurt me. In fact, a part of me still loves her. I continue to share what’s inside of me, even though a piece of what pushed me into this isn’t there anymore. I continue to grow, to feel, to struggle with my emotions and with my thoughts.
            My voice was right. The course of my life has shifted. I don’t know what my future holds, but I know I’m on the right path. The path of feeling. Of openness and unbridled self expression. The path of loving. The path of sharing more of myself with the world. Living out on a limb.
            This is the path of The Warrior Lover. The Warrior Lover that’s in all of us.

    ©2009 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and an open heart full of Wrongs) Reserved.

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