Emotional GunSlinger

It's 2:49 AM, Pacific Standard Time. I'm in Scottsdale, Arizona. I'm awake because I want to be. Because I choose to be. Because of my burning desire to write. Not because I can't sleep. 

Writing often feels like drumming to me. Both are co-creations between, Me, You, and Source. The UnHoly Trinity. I play drums, I write, as a means to express myself. As a way to communicate. As a way to connect. To Myself. To You. To Spirit. When I drum and when I write, I let you see me. I open up and let you peek inside. When you watch me drum or read my words, you engage with me. Even if I can't see you. I can feel you. Like a circuit of High Voltage Energy, we give and take with each other, perpetually. Energetically. Spiritually. You participate in this dance. You are indispensable. 

Writing, and drumming, without sharing, has it's place. Honing skills in private allows us to develop the magical repertoire we need to shoot from the hip. And shooting from the hip is essential. There's thought to it, yes, but it's not about thought. It's about heart. I'm an Emotional GunSlinger. And, like a GunSlinger in the tradition of The American Western, we get it on from the inside out. We fire from the heart and go with our gut. 

I'm not much for small talk. I'd much rather know what we feel, what we think. I want to know what turns you on, what you love. Who you love. What excites us? What makes our blood boil? What ignites our passion and fires our intensity? What could we talk about all night, the next day, and into next week? What are we so curious about that we always want to know more?  

I get this trait from my dad. He hated small talk. Even if he just met you, if the conversation didn't evolve into something more interesting than the weather within fifteen minutes, he would get bored and disinterested. That doesn't mean you had to get heavy with him, but you had to get real. About something. Actually, if you love talking about, say the weather, that would work for him. If you are passionate about meteorology, he would pick up on that and jam with you. I'm a huge weather freak. Not the "What a nice day it is!" Kind, but the kind who's deeply fascinated by the science behind it. Like a kid who could spend the whole day playing with Legos, I'm insatiably interested and curious about the what, the why, of the weather. And lots of other things.

During treatment in transitional living, I had the opportunity to meet with the director of The Camden Center (the facility I was at), Dr. Jason Shiffman, twice. That's rare, because most clients don't get any one on one time with him. I had a situation that presented the chance to meet with him on two occasions, and we got on like a house on fire. His dog was with him the second time we met, and his dog's name is Io (pronounced "eye-oh). I recognized that name as one of the four Galilean moons of Jupiter, and we started riffing about astronomy. He asked me what I did, and I told him I was a drummer. Jason is a musician as well, and that lead to a long talk about drumming and the fact that he met Stewart Copeland, the drummer for The Police (and one of my biggest influences).

I told Jason that my friend, and former Genius Coach, Otto Siegel, once asked me, "Clint, do you know a lot about a little, or a little about a lot?". I immediately told him that "I know a lot about a lot". That's because of my passion and my curiosity. It drives me to dig deep, and it drives me to dig deep about what fascinates me. And a lot of shit fascinates me. So I'm driven by both depth and breadth. 

The point here is that because Jason and I got real with each other quickly, we connected right away. We were both passionate and fascinated by mutual subjects, and when we talked about them, our mutual fire burned hot and bright. The half hour we spent together was not only incredibly pleasant for both of us, but it went by in a heart beat. But, in that heartbeat, we felt each other. We saw each other. We got each other. And there is nothing more beautiful to me than that. 

One of the most painful consequences of opening up so that another can get you, and allowing yourself to get someone else, is, if that relationship ends, there is big sense of loss. The deeper you dive with another person, the closer you get. And the closer you get, the more connected you feel. So if that connection gets broken, for any reason, there is an energetic loss. There is now a hole inside of you that that person occupied. Sometimes, it's a big hole. Because that person meant the world to you.

I'm feeling that right now. About someone who I was going to share my life with. We were both Emotional Gunslingers with each other. I never felt so connected, to anyone, before. And she's gone. That hole is still there. It fills slowly.

I keep shooting from the hip. I keep laying it out there. It's how I roll. Roll with me. If you read me, stick around. I need you. 

©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved. 

Song Of The Heart

Do what makes your heart sing. Take actions, both large and small, that truly resonate with the vibration of your spirit. Behave in accordance with The Call of Your Essence. Play the Unique Song of Your Own Heart. 

What does that mean in real life? Well, for example, it means painting your house bright purple, because you just love that color. It means going for that part in the play that is, apparently, way beyond your ability and experience, but that you love so much you just have to go for it. It means not wearing a shirt, or wearing THAT shirt, just because you bloody well want to. Because, it makes your heart sing. And when your heart sings, you can hear it. I can hear it. And in that, you create the opportunity for us to connect. You create the opportunity for us to love one another. 

I believe that, at the very deepest essence of all of us, there's is the Universal Common Denominator of Spirit. At the very depths of each of us, we are pure love. Yes. That I believe. However, since the reality is that, the vast majority of us seekers will never get to the level of pure enlightenment like The Buddha, or Jesus, or Mohammad (choose your prophet),  there is value in connecting to that within us that is just as real. Just as valuable. Just as nurturing to our own journey, as enlightenment. I call that part The Music of Our Soul. The song of Our Unique Self. Some may call that, in rather dismissive terms, Our Personality. 

There is lots of psychobabble about personality. I don't care about that right now. I'm describing our personality, our True Personality, as a combination of our earthly selves and our other worldly selves; and believe that it is in fact very valuable to our journey. I don't dismiss it. Maybe some will transcend the personality to achieve true enlightenment, but again, the reality is that most of us will never get there. So why not embrace a more realistic paradigm as we seek higher ground?

My definition of Personality in this context is kinda Zen; it incorporates the divine and the human, where both are equally sacred. When I am acting in accordance with my highest form of spirit and my highest form of physical self, then I feel truly divine. We are all One, like the ocean; but even the ocean has individual molecules, atoms, quarks, and quantum particulars that are each unique. Each of us are like those individual unique particles. Don't completely eschew that to become completely one, with anything, or with anybody. Keep that piece of You that is all you. Because people love that about you. People love that about me.. And in this physical realm, in the nuts and bolts of the human experience, The Unique You is a big factor in what makes you connect to those who love you. Being your own individual self functions as your unique calling of becoming part of the whole tribe. If not, then we are all the same; identical quantum particles in one big ocean of oneness. And that sounds pretty fucking boring. 

Developing a self that is true to our nature is like writing the song of your heart, the song of your own unique essence. It's playing the music of who you are for the world to hear and see and experience. And, the truth is that some people are not going to like that song. Just like nobody likes every song on the radio. Musicians who write music from their hearts, and then bleed it on the stage, can not be concerned with who's going to like it and who's not. If they do, they're just trying to please the masses; their just writing vapid, soulless pop hits. Which is probably why I don't like a lot of Top 40 shit. Most of it doesn't have any soul.

We all want to be loved. I want to be loved. But I want to be loved for who I am. I shoot for authenticity, as best I can. That's what people truly connect to. Or not. Make it real or go home. And that process is a perpetual work in process. We are a perpetual work in process. I want to be in that game for life. I want to be in that game with myself, and with you, for life. We can play together. Sing together. Jam together. Love together.

Love yourself, or don't. Let me tell you, however, that the cost of not loving yourself is high. Too high. I've learned that the hard way. We all learn that the hard way (some harder than others). When I push myself away, I push you away. When I don't sing, nobody hears me. Nobody sees me. I don't buy that old adage that "You can't love somebody else until you love yourself". I cry Bullshit on that line. Because for most of my life, I have experienced a lack of self love. And don't tell me that for most of my life I haven't loved anyone. Or that others haven't loved me. 

What I do know, however, is that the kind of love I experience when I increase my love of self is much different. It's fuller. More beautiful. More explosively vibrant. When my song is more in harmony with my heart, it's a passionate cry of my own truth at maximum volume. And if loud music isn't your bag, that's okay. We can still find a way to jam together. The stage of human love is an infinitely vast one.

Just don't expect me to turn it down.

©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.