At the beginning of this weekend, I hadn’t thought of myself as an organized person. I’ve thought of myself as creative, imaginative, spontaneous, kinetic, artistic. I know that about myself. It’s what comes natural to me. And I consciously and unconsciously polarized those qualities with organization and order. I put “artistic" on one end of a spectrum and “organized” on the other, as if the two were mutually exclusive, as if the two could not coexist. As if I couldn’t be both.
It’s sort of a set of stereotypical archetypes that I bought into. You know, The Super Creative Type who’s studio is somewhat chaotic, as opposed to the Button Down Type who has a place for everything and everything in its place. I somehow created a fear within me that if I was organized, I would lose my creativity. I’ve probably done that my whole life. And my living spaces have reflected that. This paradigm that I set up inside myself became physically manifested. That’s the way it works. And I know that. But I had a block around that wisdom when it came to creativity and organization. It was a blind spot.
But I’m moving into a really great new apartment in a terrific building. It’s brand new, and nobody else have ever lived there. When I got the place, I made the decision to create this new space with a new vision. I wanted it to reflect who I was, but I also wanted it to be somewhat sparse and definitely uncluttered. I was therefore only going to bring with me what I really wanted and really needed, not just whatever I had. That decision created the necessity to go through everything I had and make decisions about what I wanted to bring, what I wanted to leave, and what I wanted to nuke. And I dreaded having to do that. But because my new vision of my new place was so compelling and so exciting, it necessitated such actions.
Part of my dread was based on this idea that I can’t be creative and also be organized. I was doing to myself what many others have done to me, what many of us do to each other, namely polarize, or set up a set of mutually exclusive qualities. Like, for example, a well built man who goes around shirtless can’t possibly be warm, friendly, caring, and intelligent (I wrote about this in detail in a recent post, Carnival Part 1). And until this weekend, I wasn’t even aware that I was in fact polarizing myself.
What a difference forty-eight hours can make.
I am nearly finished going through every drawer, every box, every bin, every everything. And I have actually enjoyed it.
What happened? What shifted? I asked myself these questions as I noticed that I was starting to dig the process.
The shift actually started happening before I was aware of it. It began when I set the intention of my new place and unfalteringly committed to that vision. That intention, that commitment, actually started moving things inside of me before I knew it. Then, as I held that vision through the initial process of going through everything, I realized that I was serving a higher purpose. Kind of like those days you go to the gym when you don’t want to because you have a vision of what you want to feel like and look like. Kind of like sticking to your strict nutrition plan instead of getting the pizza for the same reason.
As I went through shit, my active mind started to become aware that I had been polarizing myself without even knowing it. Once the awareness kicked in, and I was involved in the action of organizing everything for this higher objective, it all clicked. I wouldn’t say it was an epiphany, but it was close. Because now I’m writing about it. And I’m actually thrilled that I am close to having everything all sorted out, in its place, and know exactly where it’s going.
I have come to realize that I have much better organizational skills than I thought. I have come to know that I actually like being organized. And I have come to understand that I can be organized and still be one creative son of a bitch.
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Thursday, October 9, 2014 at 7:16AM 
