Connection Reflection

       The other day, I posted a piece called A One In A Sea of Twos, Threes, and Fours about experiencing a lack of community in my life at present. Upon rereading the piece and undergoing some reflection about its topic, some things became clear to me that I would like to share.
       There are inherent perils of laying it out there, of expressing what’s really going on inside me, and of being vulnerable. One of them is the possibility that I’m going to hurt somebody else’s feelings. The more I express, the more risk I take, and thus the more potential for reward and the more potential for loss. More risk means bigger upside and bigger downside. Which is one reason why people play it so safe with self expression. We all want the rewards. But if given the choice, who the hell wants the fallout? No one. Not even me. But it just doesn’t work that way.
       Which leads to another dilemmatic element of blogging about yourself; it can feel, for me and for my readers, that there is a high level of self absorption going on. And yet, the only experience I can write about with any amount of certainty is my own. If I’m expressing feelings and insights and experiences, I have to keep it about me. Only by doing that can I hope to keep it real, and through that authenticity, maybe connect to you. It’s an “I've got to go through me to get to you” type thing. In my attempt to be real with myself, I open myself up to a much broader world of experience, perspective, wisdom, and insight. And at that point, it won’t come from me, but from you. But it begins with me.
       It occurred to me that in my exposing my lack of community, that some of my friends, and I have many wonderful ones, may be hurt by that sentiment because it’s a reflection upon them. Indeed, if I look back over the past two weeks, I have been to two parties, attended the gig of a kid I love to death, attended the birthday bash at the the house of a friend who feels like family, had some deep and meaningful conversations, shared some very intimate moments, and connected with quite a few people whom I care a great deal about. People who I know care a great deal about me, and who have opened up their lives and their homes to me with unbounded hospitality and a lot of love. I am grateful for all of that. And for all of them.
       My lack of community and connection is an inside job. I feel a lack of connection to myself at present. I’m experiencing an inner loneliness at a level I have never felt before. Whatever is happening on the outside is just going to mirror that, no matter what the hell is going on there.
       That’s not anybody’s responsibility to shift but mine. But I’ll take all the help I can get. Because we don’t do this life alone. Which is another reason why I lay it out there, every chance I get.


©2013 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

A One In A Sea of Twos, Threes, and Fours

       Currently missing from my life is a strong sense of community; a sense of belonging. Sometimes I feel like an afterthought in my own plans.
       Having never been married or had children, unlike many of my friends and relatives, I don’t have a family nucleus.
       Even though I’m starting my own business, and have a team of people working with me to make that happen, it’s still a highly solitary pursuit. Not having a particular work place to go to every day further disconnects me from the communal element of a traditional job. And I love to write, but writing is again something I do alone.
       Although I have reconciled with my family of origin, and we are all getting along well, I do not always feel a strong sense of community with them. I love them all, and I enjoy our time together. But there is a certain distance that I still need from keep. Maybe someday that will change. But right now, I need space from them.
       Only over the last several years have I come to wanting a deep and highly intimate relationship with a single life partner and commit to only her. That hasn’t happened yet. It will, and I’m not forlorn about it. But I don’t yet have someone to share my life with.
       I have lived alone for my entire adult life,; never had roommates, and never lived with a woman. The condominium I currently inhabit is mine, but it doesn’t feel like home anymore. It’s a transitional abode. I used to live in a house, and that was home. But that hasn’t been the case for a few years now.
       On every front, there is a sense of oneness, of aloneness, of existing in and of myself. I have created that, consciously and unconsciously, because that is the reality. So there is a part of me that wants that, or has wanted that. And that part is in conflict with the piece of me that craves community, and being part of something bigger than myself, and everything that goes with it.
       I realize that everybody has elements of community and solitariness in their lives. It gives a sense of balance. I guess what I’m acutely aware of is how out of balance I feel right now around this. And because I’ve done it this way for so long, I’m not really sure I know how to get in balance with it.
       I’ll figure it out; I’ll ask for help; I’ll shift and grow and make the changes I need to. I’m moving towards it. But right now, in this moment, it’s scary.


©2013 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.