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    « Destroyer | Main | A One In A Sea of Twos, Threes, and Fours »

    Connection Reflection

           The other day, I posted a piece called A One In A Sea of Twos, Threes, and Fours about experiencing a lack of community in my life at present. Upon rereading the piece and undergoing some reflection about its topic, some things became clear to me that I would like to share.
           There are inherent perils of laying it out there, of expressing what’s really going on inside me, and of being vulnerable. One of them is the possibility that I’m going to hurt somebody else’s feelings. The more I express, the more risk I take, and thus the more potential for reward and the more potential for loss. More risk means bigger upside and bigger downside. Which is one reason why people play it so safe with self expression. We all want the rewards. But if given the choice, who the hell wants the fallout? No one. Not even me. But it just doesn’t work that way.
           Which leads to another dilemmatic element of blogging about yourself; it can feel, for me and for my readers, that there is a high level of self absorption going on. And yet, the only experience I can write about with any amount of certainty is my own. If I’m expressing feelings and insights and experiences, I have to keep it about me. Only by doing that can I hope to keep it real, and through that authenticity, maybe connect to you. It’s an “I've got to go through me to get to you” type thing. In my attempt to be real with myself, I open myself up to a much broader world of experience, perspective, wisdom, and insight. And at that point, it won’t come from me, but from you. But it begins with me.
           It occurred to me that in my exposing my lack of community, that some of my friends, and I have many wonderful ones, may be hurt by that sentiment because it’s a reflection upon them. Indeed, if I look back over the past two weeks, I have been to two parties, attended the gig of a kid I love to death, attended the birthday bash at the the house of a friend who feels like family, had some deep and meaningful conversations, shared some very intimate moments, and connected with quite a few people whom I care a great deal about. People who I know care a great deal about me, and who have opened up their lives and their homes to me with unbounded hospitality and a lot of love. I am grateful for all of that. And for all of them.
           My lack of community and connection is an inside job. I feel a lack of connection to myself at present. I’m experiencing an inner loneliness at a level I have never felt before. Whatever is happening on the outside is just going to mirror that, no matter what the hell is going on there.
           That’s not anybody’s responsibility to shift but mine. But I’ll take all the help I can get. Because we don’t do this life alone. Which is another reason why I lay it out there, every chance I get.

    ©2013 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

    Reader Comments (2)

    Unfortunately those that have not experienced that inner loneliness (or just don't remember it) don't understand that you can be surrounded by people you love and love you and still feel alone. I personally thank you for putting yourself out there because it has definitely helped me and I hope those who may have felt hurt by your statement take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

    July 10, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTara

    Tara, I'm thrilled to know my laying it out there has helped you. i believe one reason many people don't honestly look inside is because they are afraid of what they will see. Like an inner loneliness.


    July 13, 2013 | Registered CommenterClint Piatelli

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