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    Clint's X's and Big O's (And I'm talking football, not former girlfriends)

            This is my first post in many moons, so I wanted to come back with a bang. A big crazy bang. A big crazy really different bang.
            Every fall, myself and millions of others catch football fever. It’s an affliction that those who don’t catch can never understand. But those of us who have it are thrilled to be infected.
            As a passionate football fan for most of my life, I have a fairly good understanding of the game. What appeals to me most is the strategy involved. Coming up with innovative schemes and plays is a big part of the game. The X’s and O’s, as it’s called.
            I’ve been making up plays since I was a kid. Drawing the X’s and O’s and creating all sorts of chalkboard mayhem. I don’t care how feasible or effective the plays would be in real life, because the juice is in making them up, drawing them, and explaining how they function. Or dysfunction.
            Recently, I’ve been coming up with completely insane plays, delving into their absurdity, and explaining and analyzing them like they do with real NFL plays. It made me laugh enough to want to share them.
           To all you football fans out there who can’t get enough analysis, breakdown, or discussion of football, I present to you an absurdly delicious feast.

    SUMMARY: This offensive play is designed to exploit aggressive defenses. Basically, the offense gets turned on it’s head. The line of scrimmage is manned with horrifically undersized special teams players. The huge offensive linemen line up in the wide receiver positions.



    The Offense lines up four undersized special teams players as offensive lineman.  They load the strong side with three offensive lineman, but in receiving positions: two in a tight wide receiver set and one in the slot. One tailback.


    This is an absurd line up. So absurd, that the defense is genuinely shocked. Their focus is immediately drawn to the grossly undersized personnel on the line of scrimmage. When they see who’s defending the quarterback, they positively salivate. Especially an aggressive defense that likes to blitz.

    They are also shocked by the three enormous, relatively slow offensive linemen with bad hands in the wide receiver and slot positions. They are hence not concerned in the least with a downfield threat.

    An aggressive defense will see only one thing: an opportunity to maim the quarterback.  They call an all out blitz, unable to resist this opportunity to knock the quarterback out of the game. Or the season. Or his career.

    The defense is in fact so obsessed with sending the quarterback to the intensive care unit that they don’t even notice the lone tailback.

    When the ball is snapped to the quarterback in the shotgun, he lets the pocket collapse just enough to suck the mongrel hoard of blitzing defenders into the backfield to a point of no return. At the last second, he dumps a quick pass to the tailback behind the line of scrimmage, who purposely botches his blitz pick up, but makes it look like he made a mistake, so that any defender suspicious of him forgets about the bozo who blew his assignment .

    Ball in hand and picking up speed, the tailback now has three offensive linemen and a tight end in front of him. The only thing between them and six points is a combination of cornerbacks, safeties, and maybe a stray linebacker. Who they should completely flatten on the tailback’s way to the end zone.


    Like every play in football, this one needs a manly, obtuse, cryptic name latent with secret code words and cool phrases:


    Here’s how the name breaks down:

    SUICIDE JERRY: Jerry is the code name for the quarterback. Suicide tells a group of special teams players to line up on the line of scrimmage as offensive linemen and offer minimal resistance to the rush.

    32: The number of the tailback who gets the pass from the quarterback.

    RIGHT: Tells the team which is the strong side.

    CONVOY: Tells the three offensive linemen to line up on the strong side in the two wide receiver and slot positions, and to form a wall with the tight end as they head up field, right ahead of the tailback.

    : Instructs the offensive linemen and the tight end to immediately obliterate the first person they contact and then continue downfield, laying waste to any other body foolish enough to get in their way.


    ©2010 Clint Piatelli. Positively Offensive Amount of Rights Reserved.

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