I've Decided To Go To Prison
Wednesday, January 7, 2009 at 7:43AM I’ve decided to go to prison. Call it a career move.
I don’t know how I’ll get there. It can’t be for a violent crime. As much fun as armed robbery might be to commit, I couldn’t live with the consequences. Plus, I’d probably end up at some hell-hole maximum security state penitentiary, like Folsom, instead of a Club Fed, which is infinitely more pleasant. I may be out of my fuckin’ mind, but I’m not stupid.
Getting into prison may be harder than I think. I’ve got no priors, and I can afford a great lawyer. And I would use a great lawyer, because he or she would be my best chance at cutting a deal to get me into my prison of choice. Knowing which prison I’d want to go to is something I haven’t done any research on, either. One more thing to add to my to-do List.
I’ve always thought “fraud” had a nice ring to it. And I love the word “embezzlement”. Okay. Now it’s starting to come together.
How much fun would it be to create a fictitious person from scratch? Then become that person? I’ve done a little acting. Let me tell you. It would be a blast. Think “Tootsie” on a massive dose of steroids, without the gender bending.
I could just pretend it was Halloween. For a year. I’d come up with a name, and fabricate an entire past. Where was this guy from, and what was his childhood like? What schools did he go to? Would he be the shy type, who, incredibly, has never been laid? Or would he go the other way, and say that he’s slept with everything that had a pulse? So may choices.
The fraud part would lead to the embezzlement. After I falsified records, forged documents, and manufactured bogus....everything, I could get credit cards under my new alias, then run up exorbitant bills, with no intention of paying. But I’d have to take it a step further. I’d have to steal lots of money from the company I work for. Well I’m creative, and I’ve got an M.B.A. and a finance degree. I’m sure I could figure something out.
The more I think of it, the more fun this sounds. And really, it’s as victimless a crime as there can be. I’d return all of the money I embezzled. I’d give back everything I bought. Well, almost everything. It would be pretty hard to give back a first class trip to Australia. And the Ferrari F430 Spider would be worthless after I totaled it from driving too fast while under the influence.
Hey. I’m going to prison. Let me live it up a little.
When I got out, I could write about how I pulled this caper off, and what it was like to be in prison. I’d go on talk shows, and do interviews on Today and Good Morning America. I’d get psychoanalyzed by Dr. Phil and Oprah. I’ll bet The View would positively love me. And I’d definitely get to cop a cheap feel off of Kelly Ripa. That wouldn’t suck.
This prison talk reminds me of one of my favorite principessa stories. The first time she drove to my new apartment for the weekend, I was showing her around. She saw a notebook lying on a counter. The notebook’s cover had a picture of me, dressed up on Halloween as a rock star. I had on a wig, make-up, spandex pants, chains, and no shirt. Actually, maybe it wasn’t Halloween. Maybe it was just a typical Tuesday in June. Anyway, the picture got her pretty head spinning.
We were sitting around and got into a conversation about what I was really like. That somehow lead to a discussion about deviant behavior. That lead her to pop the question.
“Have you ever been in prison?”, she asked. When she said it, she smiled and raised her eyebrows, as if a response from me in the affirmative would be a bonus point. I laughed, and replied incredulously “No!”. She tried to back pedal, and said “I meant jail, not prison, like, overnight in the drunk tank or something!”. I saw right through that and replied “No you didn’t, doll. You said ‘prison’ and you meant prison. It’s okay. I’m laughing aren’t I?” She quickly copped to it. But I digress.
My plan to enter prison is similar to the plight of Rubert Pupkin in The King Of Comedy. I'll do something so ridiculous that I'll either become famous or get committed for it. Probably both. So I’m off to the big house. I’m not sure when, but I’ll let you know how it’s going from my cell. And I don’t mean as in “phone”.
They do let you have internet access from prison, don’t they?
©2009 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and a prison full of Wrongs) Reserved.
Being Yourself, Humor, Principessa, Satire 
Reader Comments (7)
Hey, why did you erase the reader's comment? What is the purpose of a blog?
The point the reader responded was simply that no one is worth going to prison for.
Unfortunately, the reader completely missed the point. I never implied that I was going to prison over anybody. Obviously, the sarcasm of choosing to go to prison as a career move, which I mentioned in the first line and kept harping on the whole way, and the absurdity of treating it like it was just another routine decision was lost. Apparently on both of you.
Let's nip this thread in the bud here. Regardless of what the comment is, even if it's something I disagree with or don't like, I'll keep it as long as it enhances the quality of the website. That is a subjective decision. And it happens to be mine to make.
Clint
So what you are really saying is that you are all about "censorship".
What is the point in stating an opinion then...right?? You are only
wanting to hear what you want to. If it is a joke then people will take
it that way the same way you did your blog. So why then are you saying
it is alright for you to make a joke but not another? Why not allow people
to comment on how they feel just the same.
This is a fictional scenario, people. Kind of like Clint ever having had a career. Or that there is even a "Clint" at all. And especially like "David Lee" working hard to be himself. Get it?
Fascinating how people's hostility, criticism, and judgement of themselves can get misdirected towards me when I open up and be myself.
Clint
Bob Dole hates censorship, but Bob Dole supports Clint's right to remove posts. Is he really Clint Jung Ill with far better abs and hair? I think not.
Kim Jung Ill is in pretty good shape.
-Bob Dole
Bob,
When did you change your name from that of a certain female who's been following my blog for months to that of a former presidential candidate? And why?
ps. Thanx for the plug about my abs.
Curious Clint