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    « A New Rebel | Main | Prescriptions For Disaster (part 1) »

    Prescriptions For Disaster (part 2)

            During the tenure of my last relationship, I was coming out of the most painful period of my adult life. Nine months before I met principessa, my father died. I had also experienced a slew of other losses in a short period of time, which I’ve written about in this blog (you can read more about this by going to the category My Dark Ages).
             The pain from those losses was poisoning my mind, heart, and body. Instead of feeling all that pain, however, I anesthesized myself to it. I effectively wrote my own internal “prescriptions” that would numb me to the world of hurt living inside of me.
             I’m not blaming myself for why my relationship with principessa didn’t work. But I am owning my part of it. She had her own prescriptions, different than mine, but just as destructive. That’s usually how it works - when it doesn’t work. We each do the dance we’re used to. We each take the prescriptions we’ve written for ourselves. If we recognize what we’re doing, that we’re building walls instead of bridges, and want to do it differently, we can. If not, we just repeat old patterns. And sometimes even create some new ones.
             All these prescriptions were created and taken to avoid pain. Pain of the past. And the projected pain of the future, in the form of potential rejection and abandonment.
             So without further ado, here they are. Clint Piatelli’s personal Prescriptions For Disaster in his last relationship:

    1) Shut down emotionally, as a reaction to a bludgeoning series of huge losses.

    2) Go into depression. In other words, turn all that pain and anger back in on yourself.

    3) Meet a beautiful woman, fall in love with her right away, but not know it because you’re on prescriptions one and two.

    4) The more you feel, the more scared you get. Increase dosages of prescriptions one and two.

    5) Hold onto your anger, but be ashamed of it. So instead of moving through you, the anger stays inside and keeps you perpetually frustrated. Then, once in a while, blow up.

    6) Unconsciously say and do things to keep the woman you love from getting too close, all the while beating yourself up for not being able to fully express yourself. This self-sustaining cycle perpetually reinforces itself until you feel like there’s no way out. Occasionally consider jumping into on-coming traffic.

    7) Let her know you’re sad, but never, ever, let her in on just how much you hate yourself. Because then she’ll leave you, you miserable lout, and then you’re really fucked. But keep hating yourself. It’s good for you.

    8) Only let your intense passion for her come out in the bedroom. It’s safe for you there, because that’s the only place on you know who you are and what you want.

    9) Unconsciously renew your vow never to fall too hard for a woman because of how badly you got burned from your first love. Tell yourself that love is like money. Always get just a little more than you give, that way you’ll never be in the red. Hide some away where nobody can find it too, in case there’s a run on the bank.

    10) Operate at about 60% most of the time. That is, minimize everything, because it’s safer that way. Never let her see you too much of anything - including excited or happy - because that’s showing too much of yourself. And that’s dangerous. Besides, you’re no good anyway.

             Some of those prescriptions I’d been on in other relationships, and others were unique to this last one. But I had never been on so many, or taken them as much. That’s because of where I was at in my life. And because of how deeply I felt for her, and therefore how positively petrified I was. I actually invented prescriptions (without consultation, mind you) because whatever I was on wasn’t enough. She kept touching me, and when I started to feel too much, I reacted by either increasing the dose of something I was already on or just creating a new prescription from scratch. I was like a mad scientist, concocting all sorts of noxious, dangerous chemicals in the labs of my psyche just so that I wouldn’t get hurt.
            Eventually, after she broke my heart, I opened up. I fired that crazy chemist inside of me who was doping me up to keep me from feeling. Thank god. That guy was killing me.

    ©2009 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and another medicine cabinet full of Wrongs) Reserved

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    Reader Comments (2)

    #Meet a beautiful woman, fall in love with her right away, but not know it because you’re on prescriptions one and two...
    Remind me to a song title No Woman No Cry...It sounds contradictive

    February 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMusicisMyLife

    Thanx for the comment Peter. Since music is your life, have you read my posts on music? Go to the Blog Archives page and look under the category "Music". Please keep reading.


    February 5, 2009 | Registered CommenterClint Piatelli

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