Going To Eleven

There was a time when my most glaring flaws, my many imperfections, my deepest pains, and my maladaptive thinking and behavior caused me great shame. Even after all the work I had done previous to getting into treatment, there were nuts I could not crack; scars I could not look at; wounds that would not heal; things I could not share, with anyone. No matter how loving, accepting, non-judgmental, and supportive they were. Some of that shit, I wasn't even aware of. 

That time is coming to an end. 

Through the years, I have continued to dig into the depths of my heart. I get to new places, stay there for a while, and then start digging again. The journey never ends. But that's okay with me. Because the gifts get better, the deeper we go. The treasures get richer, the more we risk. The gold gets brighter, the more we share. The more we connect. The more we open up. The more we Love.

I have known that for years. But knowing that doesn't mean you're ready to do it. At every level, you have to bump against something, or somethings, that you can't go around, under, or over. You just have to go through. At this point in my journey, I am reaching the bottom of that level. I'm having lots of breakthroughs. I've seen The Other Side of this. And it's freakin' beautiful.

The healthiest, most loving, most compassionate, wisest people I know have gone through the darkest places and the most fiery of hells. They have sunk so far down they're off the radar. And they have climbed out, one excruciating rung at a time, to new heights; with new strength, new resolve, new lives. 

I am gradually becoming one of those people. And I'm proud as fuck about it.

My perfectionism has less and less of a grip on me every day. My fear and shame fade into memories as The Ghosts Of My Past a little more every time I forge ahead. I'll meet them over and over, for the rest of my life. But I won't ever be their slave again. They will win some battles. But I'm winning the war (I'm not big on framing this journey like a war, but sometimes, that's what it feels like).

Where before I thought "Who's going to love me if I sink this low and have to go into treatment?", I now wear this whole experience like a badge of honor. I wear it with profound gratitude. If I continue to lead by example, as I've done since my first day of treatment back in March, I will impact lives, I will make a difference, I will live on purpose. 

I was a Universe Denter long before I got here. Throughout my life, loved ones have made that clear to me, countless times, with their words, with their actions, with their love. I knew I was able to do that, just by being fully myself. But I forgot it all too often. My self hatred would rise up and tell me that, "You may be able to dent another's universe, but there is Something Fundamentally Wrong and Unfixable about you". It would tell me that, deep down, I was broken and couldn't be helped. I've thought that since I was a kid. So the voice was loud and persistent and sometimes all consuming.

That voice is all but gone. 

It doesn't ever go away completely, but when it does come up, I just don't listen to it. I have turned the volume on that crap down to a whisper, and turned up the volume of Who I Am. Who I Really Am. What I Really Am. To paraphrase Nigel Tufnel from the movie "This is Spinal Tap", "I go to eleven". 

I'm under no delusions that I have anything licked. There are more levels to go. There are always more levels to go. Levels I haven't even dreamed of. But those levels always lead back up. The deeper I go, the deeper I dig, the new challenges and pains I face, as much as it might hurt to go through, become roads to new places of awareness, joy, wisdom, strength, passion, and purpose. Instead of roads to hell. 

Yeah. I'm having a good week.

©2017 Clint Piatelli., MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.

Bring Your Goddess. Bring Your God.

Sexuality fascinates me. When I start promoting my brand, helping individuals and couples create better sex lives will be one of my brand's components. Specifically, assisting others get to what turns them on, drives them wild, brings them closer, and creates more connection; then assisting them in manifesting that. I want people to bring more passion, fire, intensity, playfulness, intimacy, sense of adventure, and love, to their intimate relationships. I've been doing that for years with myself and my lovers. And the results have been, well, damn fuckin' good.

Years ago, I stopped tying to figure out what's behind the cornucopia of my sexual turn-ons. One of my favorite questions is “Why?”. The question of “Why" leads to great understanding. And I'm big on understanding. I want to understand what I'm into. I want to understand you. I kinda want to understand everything; I'm insatiably curious. On a deeper level, understanding is a path for connection to whatever, or whoever, I want to know better. Why do stars explode? Why did T-Rex have such puny forearms? Why did you do that?

Sometimes, however, "Why" gets in the way. For example, as much as I love to dissect music, I don't ask myself why I love or hate a song. I may really dig the drum beat, the guitar lick, the bass run, the way the tune was mixed. From a technical standpoint, I enjoy picking music apart. But falling in love with a song is an emotional response. A tune either hits me in the heart or it doesn't. I leave it at that.

One of most valuable lessons I've learned is that, if you each put the other person first in the bedroom, you're going to create mad fireworks. Instead of focusing on your own pleasure, focus on your partner's. I get off just as much, usually more, knowing that she's feeling my love and lovin' what I'm doing for her. If you both do that for each other, you're taking a big step in co-creating an explosive sex life. If you both know what really turns you on, are comfortable with it, and can share it with your lover, you're nourishing fertile ground for fantastic love making. And, you're building your mutual temple for sexual discovery and sexual empowerment. 

It all starts with intimately knowing yourself, sharing that, and wanting to know your partner the same way. Both of you have to Bring It. Or else it's the sound of one hand clapping. And that just doesn't do it. 

An appreciation for beauty is vital. We can all cultivate an appreciation for beauty, across our entire lives. When you cultivate your appreciation for beauty in nature, for example, you're simultaneously cultivating an appreciation for beauty itself. Your nourishing your love of art, in all it's countless manifestations. When you bring that to your intimate love relationship, you're cultivating an appreciation for yourself, and for your partner. Your lover is beautiful. Tell them that. Often.

As much as I appreciate the beauty of the male body, I'm not sexually attracted to it. But I find the male physique just as aesthetically beautiful as the female physique. I just don't want to hop in bed with one. 

The female form...Sweet Mama!...is a breathtaking creation of artistic elegance and grace. I love everything about a woman's body. When I'm with a woman, I pay attention to all of her. Including what's inside. I could write indefinitely about what I love about a woman's heart and mind. There's so much beautiful happening within. But for this writing, I'm sticking with the physical. It's a totally incomplete picture, I know, but roll with me here. I've only got so much of your time.

Her hair. Her eyes. Her forehead. Her ears. Her cheeks. Her lips. Her mouth. Her tongue. The nape of her neck. The whole of her neck. Her shoulders and arms. The smoothness of her back. Her hands and fingers. Her skin. Her sides, between her stomach and the small of her back (usually incredibly sensitive). Her tummy. The slopes of soft flesh just below and on either side of her navel, running down to her happy trail. The curve of her hips. Her juicy bum. The sweep of her back. Her thighs. Her calves. Her legs. Her feet. Her toes. The way she smells. The way she tastes. The way she sounds. The way she feels. The sound of her voice. The way she looks at me. Her prana. I could go on and on...

The first step in all of this is opening your heart. If our heart's aren't open, it hinders our appreciation of beauty, and it blocks intimacy. If it's closed, opening the heart up is a process, so give it time. And do the work. It doesn't happen all by itself. Sometimes, our heart explodes when we have a life event that throws gasoline on the smoldering fire that is our heart. That has happened to me a few times. But even after that, the fire has to be fed. The work (and the play) have to be done. The flame will dwindle if it's not stoked.

Bring your Goddess. Bring your God. Bring your passionate, sexy, on fire, most loving being. Integrate your most primal self with your highest self.

Bring It All to the bedroom (and anywhere else you get it on). And then enjoy the fireworks.

©2017 Clint Piatelli, MuscleHeart LLC, and Red F Publishing. All rights reserved.