Before Christmas, I bought a new keychain. This keychain has attached to it a pair of toe cuffs. Also known as thumb cuffs. But I prefer calling them the former, because I have a foot fetish. I’m not prejudice though. I’ll use them on either.
When I bought the keychain, I thought to myself “There are probably more than a few people who would like to buy this, but won’t, because they don't want anybody to know that they’re into this kind of thing.”. Obviously, I’m not one of those people. But I understand the sentiment.
I’m not saying that you need to let the world know what you’re into. But you needn’t be ashamed of it either. That’s one half of my point. Whatever turns you on doesn’t have to be anybody’s business but yours, and whoever you’re with. And that’s the second half of my point. There are so many people who don’t let their partner know what really drives them wild.
I realized a long time ago that an important part who I am, an important aspect of being fully myself, has to do with my sexuality. Because so much of human energy is sexual, to deny that which arouses us is to deny a large part of ourselves. And nowhere in human psychology do people have more hang-ups than between the sheets. Our inhibitions are alive and well everywhere in our lives. In the bedroom, they’re usually kicking and screaming. I honestly believe that sexual repression is one of those “silent killers” in many relationships.
It’s an understatement to say that we’re not encouraged to be ourselves, to fully be who we are, by our society or our culture. Conformity is far more important than individuality or unique self expression. Nowhere is this truer than when it comes to sex. Only recently has there been a broader acceptance of behavior that was considered “sexually deviant” only a few decades ago. Before the sexual revolution, unless you were completely vanilla, you were labeled, at best bohemian, and at worst, perverted.
We’ve come a long way, baby. But a choking sexual conservatism is still very much a part of american culture. Especially if you get away from the coast and the big cities. And if you start throwing religion into the mix, what’s deemed acceptable sexual behavior can become even more restricted.
I say, to both sexes, let it all hang out. To do that, however, you have to know what you’re hanging (no male prejudice intended). You have to know what you’re into. And you can only do that if you accept, without shame, that which sets you ablaze. If you start judging what rocks your boat, your boat won’t get rocked.
There are some great books that offer in-depth analysis of the psychology of sex, of why we’re into what we’re into. Better yet are books that discuss particular fetishes and sub-cultures. The reason these books are helpful is because they discuss “that which turns us on” not as deviant behavior, but as healthy sexual self expression. They effectively help people give themselves permission to like what they like. They help us be more ourselves, because they can teach us to accept ourselves. And I know that human sexuality is an exquisitely beautiful and complex phenomenon that has more than enough room for everybody.
When I was much younger, there was a certain apprehension to exposing some of my more than vanilla turn-ons to partners. It didn’t last long, but it was there. Luckily, my drive to get my rocks off in the most stratospheric way possible always outweighed my reluctance to say what I was into. So, once trust was established, instead of repressing it, I would let a woman know that I wanted to say, blindfold her. If she wasn’t into that sort of thing, then I always believed it’s better to know sooner rather than later. It wouldn’t necessarily sink the relationship. But if we weren’t into the same things, and more importantly, weren’t willing to try new things together, then our days were numbered.
That hasn’t changed. Not because sex is the most important thing. But because I know that sexual compatibility is as important to me as temperamental or emotional compatibility. And the ability to work out the kinks sexually with a partner is as important as the ability to work out the myriad of emotional issues that are bound to surface. Ahem.
My sex life has actually gotten better as I’ve gotten older. Part of this is because I’ve been fortunate to have been with some really special women. Part of it is because I’ve gotten even more comfortable in sharing what really turns me on. And part of it is because I continue to explore the scope and depth of my own sexuality. No different than getting to know myself better emotionally, or expanding my mental capabilities, delving onto what rocks my world is a beautiful journey of self discovery. Taking that journey with the woman I’m with is truly one of life’s most wonderful experiences. And, not to put too sharp a point on it, it makes for some unbelievable sex.
Being completely sexually open and honest with your partner and being willing to take that journey together takes some guts. It takes trust. Lots of it. It takes a leap of faith, in yourself and the person you’re with. It takes an acceptance of self. Actually, it takes more than just an acceptance, although that’s the critical first step. It takes a celebration. When your sex life becomes a celebration of self, yours and your partner’s, that’s when the real fireworks start. That’s when you both really achieve lift off. When your sex life becomes a true celebration of what rocks both your world’s. When it becomes an uninhibited-no-holds-barred joyous intimate celebration of what drives you both abso...fuckin...lutely....crazy.
©2009 Clint Piatelli. All Rights (and a dungeon full of Wrongs) reserved.
For some books related to sexuality, go to my Recommended... links page.
Friday, January 23, 2009 at 8:42AM 
