Helmet

       In a dream the other night, I had this awful experience of what it would feel like to live my life while wearing a perpetual, very heavy, very confining, claustrophobically oppressive, Helmet. I didn’t have this Helmet on in my dream, but I had the experience of wearing it. I was looking at two women who had huge hair that came over their faces like giant visors. That image got my dream self to start experiencing the dreaded Helmet that I just described.
       In my dream, I thought aloud that I would rather be dead than experience the rest  of my life wearing that Helmet. Expanding on that, it occurs to me that the Helmet can be a metaphor for living my life with a closed, confined mind. Of living my life without personal expression. More than living inside a self induced prison, this kind of confinement follows me. This kind of constriction is not because of where I’m at physically, like being in jail. This restriction is actually a part of me. My Helmet is with me no matter what. It is inescapable. Unshakable. It’s a part of my head. It can not be removed, no matter what. Even writing about it takes me to an uncomfortable place and creates a sense of confinement in me. I literally want to take off my baseball hat and go run outside and start screaming “I’m free! I don’t wear a Helmet!”.
       I’ve had this feeling before in dreams. And it is always very powerful. So much so that when I awake from such a dream, I have to consciously explore what it was all about and work at getting myself out of that space. Lest my very waking experience becomes tainted by this dream. Sometimes, like now, I write about it.
       The waking, physical experience of having something heavy on my head, confining my face and skull, pressing on the back of my neck, is terribly uncomfortable for me. Probably one reason I shun from ever wearing a helmet when I cycle, even through the busy streets of Boston. And even though those cycle helmets weigh next to nothing and don’t rest on the neck. Just the experience of having anything on my head that weighs more than a baseball cap is distasteful to me.
       Metaphor withstanding, I realize that, to one degree or another, we all live in the prisons of our own mind. Especially if we aren’t even conscious that we’re held captive by what’s inside our own heads. My mind may be free in some areas, but it’s very confining in others. I have recommitted myself to opening up my mind. I have challenged myself to shed old, negative, ingrained thinking patterns that no longer serve me, if they ever did. I want to rid myself of any semblance of the Helmet.
       But I still wear that Helmet. We all do. Some of us are a lot more aware of it than others. Some of us can see the Helmet of another, as clear as we can see the shirt they are wearing. They show us their Helmet by the words they speak. They show us through their behavior, through their attitude. Those who remain unaware of their own Helmet are doomed to wear it until they die. Sometimes, I want to go over to somebody and just take their Helmet off, and say “Look at what you’re missing by keeping that thing on. Look at how you’re words and behavior and energy effects others. You don’t even see it. Look at how it effects you.”
       The Helmet itself is hugely responsible for keeping us blind to the very fact that we are indeed wearing it. That’s one reason it is so insidious and difficult to take off. It has a very formidable, built in self defense mechanism. The worst thing about a closed mind is that, by definition, the mind can not realize that it is closed. Only when the thinker is able to separate themselves from the thinking is space created for some new insights to enter the closed loop of a mind shut down.
       I offer the same truth for one’s heart. A closed down heart, one that is afraid to fully feel, or fully express, or be vulnerable, is like a closed mind. The wall constructed around our hearts and minds, our Helmets, prevent flow. Virtually nothing gets in, and virtually nothing gets out. To open up, to remove the Helmet, we first have to realize we have it on. That means we have to see it. Feel it. Touch it. That can be a realization of life changing proportions. Then we have to want the Helmet off. And often, we don’t know how. That takes us down another road of self discovery. Because we ask for help. And if we truly want help, we get it. Then we have to grow. And that can be positively frightening.
       With the Helmet off, we are more exposed. More naked. More vulnerable. We can see more clearly, hear more clearly. But we are seen and heard more clearly as well. Instead of hiding, we put ourselves out there. Our armor is peeling away. That is very scary for most. But I can say from experience, that the rewards of living with a more open heart and a more open mind are well worth the risks.
       I like the expression that says “A mind is like a parachute. It only works when it’s open.” The same is true for the heart.

©2012 Clint Piatelli. All Rights Reserved.

The Politics of Bondage

       This post will “offend some, and titillate others.” That’s in quotations because I stole it from a Kiss video.
       We all have a shadow self. A “dark side”, if you will. Although there are common elements, each shadow self is as different as each of us are. For some, this part of us is in conflict with our higher self. Others are more at peace with it. And some of us go back and forth, hopefully aspiring for more peace than conflict.
       I will focus on the element of the shadow self that wants to control people. Punish people for transgressions. Dominate those less powerful than ourselves. To a degree, this trait is in most of us. Most of us keep it in check. Others do not. Those people are called sociopaths. I’m not writing to you. Go get some therapy. Or a personality transplant.
       For those of us who keep our darker nature in check, I offer you a place, and a context, to let this self out. Let’s call this part that wants to control, dominate, and punish, the Bad Boy. Or The Bad Girl. That doesn’t sound so threatening. And for what I’m about to offer, it does not have to be threatening at all. In fact, it can be fun, exhilarating, exciting, passionate, intimate, and even highly beneficial. And sexy. Very, very sexy.
       The place I’m talking about is the bedroom. And the context I’m talking about is sex. Some of you saw this coming. And got excited. And some of you saw it coming, and experienced an “Oh No”. And still others have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.
       In the vernacular of sex, what I’m talking about is referred to as “D&S”, or “Dominance and Submission”. This may or may not include what’s known as “B&D”, or “Bondage and Discipline”, and or “S&M”, or "SadoMasichism”. Okay. Enough with the cryptic acronyms. Let’s get down to business.
       Our need to dominate and control can be exercised in the bedroom with wonderful results. I’m not going to go into the nitty gritty of it (that would be a whole ‘nother post). I will instead share my insights on the psychology of it, and how it can bring individuals a sense of freedom, expression, and joy. And how it can bring couples new levels of intimacy, closeness, excitement, pleasure, and yes, love.
       Preposterous you say? Not at all.
       I will use the following analogy. Many of us indulge in this shadow self when we compete in sports. If you want to win, and even if you don’t care that much about winning, you experience a certain element of wanting to control or dominate your opponent. It’s t the nature of competition. It feels kinda good. Many of us experience it in business. Even if you are an ethical and socially responsible business person, you would like, to varying degrees, the ability to control your market, your competition, your customers, your vendors.....right down the line. Because it would mean you would always get what you want. When you want it. And that’s a part of human nature. Maybe not a terribly evolved part of human nature, but there nonetheless.
       In the bedroom, we can play out this shadow self safely and erotically. If we can indulge this in a controlled, fun, safe environment, many things can and often do happen. We get to be The Bad Boy or The Bad Girl without actually hurting anyone, or causing harmful consequences. We exercise a piece of ourselves in acts of self expression. And self expression is very important, critical I would say, to our development as full human beings.
       I said I was not going to get into the nitty gritty, but I realize that some nitty gritty is necessary to understand the bigger picture. So let’s say one partner wants to be tied up, and the other partner agrees. What the person who wants to be tied up (known as a “Sub” for “submissive”, or “Bottom”) is doing is giving up a vast degree of control to their partner. And the partner is accepting the responsibility of that control. The mere consent by both parties alone involves a great deal of trust. And increasing trust between partners is an important element in deepening the relationship. So already, we’re off to a good start.
       Many people have to exert a lot of control in their lives outside the bedroom. Through a job where they are responsible for consequential decisions. Or in parenthood where they are responsible, literally, for lives. Or perhaps it is just one’s nature to want to be “in control” of things, to varying degrees. There are the Hyper-Responsible types. There are the Planners. Many people shoulder a lot of responsibility. I offer that, in the bedroom, for them to be able to give up control to another trusted person is not only a welcome relief, but highly stimulating and pleasurable. Just for a while, they let somebody else take charge.
       You don’t even have to have a lot of responsibility in your life to crave the desire to let somebody else take over for a while. Any stress one has in their life, whether self imposed or environmentally imposed, can reek havoc on one’s nervous system. Letting go of that, even if just for a while, gives the mechanisms that literally run your body a little vacation.
       But it goes much deeper than just a break for your central nervous system. The eroticism of it touches something deep inside of us that wants someone else to take care of us. If you are lying on a bed, helpless, then ipso facto, somebody else has to take care of you. Most of us have a desire to be cared for. This is just another way to experience that.
       But wait! There’s more! There is something very taboo and naughty about surrendering yourself to another. Even if just for a while. And taboo and naughty are usually big red hot erotic turn ons. The forbidden fruit always tastes good.
       Stay tuned for part two, where I delve into this more. And where I talk about the person in control. The “Dom” (for “Dominant”) or “Top”. That’s where the Bad Boy or the Bad Girl really has the chance to get the lead out. Literally.

©2012 Clint Piatelli/ All Rights (and  very sexy amount of Wrongs) Reserved.